You’re Paleo. How do I know this? One might assume it’s because you look amazing, however that’s not why. In fact I’ve grown to think you are pretty much ugly. Instead it’s because you freaking post about it on Facebook and Instadouche all damn day, every day, in some way or another. So here is a list of reasons your Paleo Diet is F’ing stupid.
You Eat Paleo Brownies, Pastas And Cakes
Your diet started off with the idea that you could only eat what cavemen ate. And now it still is according to you, except these cavemen somehow got ovens and learned to bake. People posting pictures of brownies titled “paleo goodies” should be clubbed directly in the face by a caveman. You can’t possibly think that eating brownies is somehow a primal diet? What shitwad blogs do you read all day? HowToBeFatButStillSeemThinOnFacebook.com? I eat brownies. I eat pizza. But I fully realize I didn’t have to club the pizza in the head with a stone and drag it back into a cave leaving streaks of blood in the dirt behind me. Why? Because I’m F’ing smart here. Your Facebook and Instagram feed looks like how Fat Albert’s would look if he hadn’t most certainly died of a fried food induced heart attack. The Paleo diet has become this sudden thoroughfare to getting fatter faster. I mean at least before the Paleo diet you weren’t like super proud of eating cake at noon.
Look at this shit, seriously.
—-Anybody in the mood for Paleo Pumpkin and Carrot Muffins? Super talented Chef @gg30000 was kind enough to share his recipe with my readers!
That’s a muffin. This chef made a muffin! You can’t trick me, I know muffins, I know it by that little fluted baking cup. Cavemen did not have fluted baking cups. They had rocks with sharp edges and clubs and sticks to stab through the heads of animals like how it goes in Walking Dead with the walkers (similar premise). A caveman would probably laugh at this shit. Hey, props to you for skirting the system with glorious hubris, but you aren’t fooling me or any real ass cavemen.
Oh wait, here we go.
Honestly, if the food requires a goddamn pantry, it isn’t the primal experience you are thinking it is. Walking into Whole Foods isn’t the same as walking inside of a dark and cold ass cave. I really shouldn’t have to tell you this.
You Use One Of Those Stand Up Shitter Potty Things
There is no reason in the world that you should be posting about your shitting experiences on Facebook or Instagram. It’s simply not OK. What do you think actually happened millions of years ago? I don’t have a degree from Indiana Jones Community college or anything, but I bet it ain’t this shit. When cavemen wanted to shit, they probably just shit. Picking a high grape from a vine? Oh wait, I also need to shit? F’ it, just do both, because I’m a bad ass caveman. That’s how I see this stuff having gone down. People just shitting wherever they want. I pretty much wish it were like this, but unlike you assholes, I know that it isn’t so I commonly use the shitter in Best Buy.
You Arrogantly Believe You Live Like A Caveman
Sweet, now I know where Kobe got his fantastic arm sleeve for Laker games. He got it from a cave dwelling Neanderthal. They used arm sleeves to help them choke deer and bison. You want to live the #paleolifestyle, put up a picture of you killing a rabbit with a pine cone. That’d be bad ass paleo kind of shit.