Do You Know Any Of These Annoying Crossfitters?

Crossfit is no longer a workout, it’s a douche cult. You can try to get upset and pretend that its not true, but you’d be lying to yourself. Here is how to know if you are a Crossfit douchebag.

1) They Post Completely Unnecessary Pictures Of You Crossfitting On Facebook

Apparently some of you feel that if you don’t post epic pictures of you doing Crossfit, we just won’t believe you actually did Crossfit. It’s OK to post a few times, but your daily update checking you into the Crossfit gym followed by some douchey photo of you carrying a tire in a parking lot just isn’t needed. Many of us have been working out in gyms for many years, you holding a rock over your head in a Target parking lot doesn’t impress us.

2) They Pretend They Enjoy Watching Crossfit On ESPN.

If you have cable, there is no way you are convincing me that anyone could possibly enjoy watching grown men and women do squats. Are you fucking kidding us? You want to be in shape, that’s cool, but lets not go overboard here. No one in their right mind would want to watch a damn Crossfit tournament. You should just burn your TV down if you actually do this. I figure most of you are just bullshitting anyways.

3) They Think Crossfit Invented The Deadlift.

If one more Crossfitter pretends that Crossfit invented the deadlift, I may lose my goddamn’d mind. The deadlift has been around since fucking cavemen needed to lift a big ass rock to roll it down a hill to kill a deer (I mean at least I assume that’s how shit went down). Why do you think cavemen had amazing quads? I mean again, I am guessing they did. One thing I know for sure is that cavemen didn’t blow up Facebook about deadlifting. I mean I deadlifted in High School, shit is not new. It just took some trendy ass packaged up gym pass for you to realize it existed.

4) They Are Always Injured. Because Of Crossfit.

crossfit photo
Photo by CrossfitPaleoDietFitnessClasses

Um, a good idea from me to you: If you want to go running across parking lots with tires over your head, pick up your fat friend above your head, incorrectly deadlift, do planks with your back bent, over-lift 4 times your weight and you aren’t in shape, you are probably going to get hurt. That’s just the way shit is. Every Crossfit gym I have ever seen is full on with people who have no idea how to swing a kettlebell properly. If you go to a Jiu Jitsu gym, a boxing gym, a Yoga studio, you see people actually teaching people how to execute positions and movements. Crossfit gyms are like a herd of cattle lining up to be slaughtered. I mean out of shape, uncoordinated people deadlifting is the worst thing ever. Come on man!

5) They Do Completely Unnecessary Shit For The Sake Of Being Cool.

Carrying fake stones? I bet those stones were made by Adidas or something and they vintages that shit right up for you so you can think maybe a Caveman used it at one time. Squatting with a tree branch? What THE FUCK is going on with the Crossfit cult?

You people just need to slow the fuck down.