Earth Day Is Cat Nip For Self Absorbed Assholes.


You care about the earth. How do I know? Because it’s Earth Day and you are pounding out some amazing, earthathizing post on Facebook. At first it was the picture of the earth in the shape of a heart that made me shed a small tear, but then when you followed it with “we can do better, make changes and save our planet,” I literally began to cry and shit myself all at the same time.

But guess what: I also think you are a total fucking asshole.

You don’t give a shit about the earth, you give a shit about you. Today is just another shitty excuse for you to post about you in a way you think that will impress upon people how amazing you are. I’m willing to be that if pressed (and by pressed I mean dangled from a cliff by your Tevas) you wouldn’t be able to tell me the differences between the blue and green trash cans. You drink from a new plastic bottle daily, you drive your car all the time instead of taking…say…a bus… have literally ran an entire state out of water (see California) and you drink from the Keurig at work and litter our goddamn amazing planet with Keurig cups.

People seriously put up “happy earth day” post while checking in at an airport. It’s like we live in a world that is only 2 intellectual seconds removed at all times from Kylie Jenner’s lips: we are just that dumbed down at this juncture.

If you put up a Happy Earth Day post today, you are a shit face. It is so highly unlikely that the rest of your 364 days amount to anything less than massive overconsumption, Starbucks and showering aways an entire state’s water supply. Do you actually believe that one day a year, you posting “happy earth day” and recycling one fucking water bottle means something?

“We need to do something Miami is going to be underwater wawawa : (”

Well, it WAS going to be underwater, but now it’s going to be fine because you wore a fucking green earth day shirt to the office today.

Wait, you should attend an event for Earth Day. You know, have the SUV pick you up, then show up and eat dolphin under the dome of 900 halogen lights. Wait, that’s what you ARE doing! After you get full with your earth day libations, you should stop by McDonald’s and then make sure that Big Mac box and bag find it’s way into our oceans and parks, because honestly, there just isn’t enough fast food in those places.

Some of you made your post while sitting in a drive thru, guzzling the fuck outta some gas. You think I don’t know? Anyone go by a Starbucks today or EVER? People are now too fucking lazy to even go inside, they’d rather waste gas. But hey, go ahead and preach that shit on Facebook. Change the world!

Oh wait, but it gets dumber.

Great. The NBA, a franchise that powers over 1200 games a year, has it’s mascot dumbing down the concept of recycling for me by getting into a green can. Maybe they should turn out their fucking lights for ONE DAY? Or is that too much to ask? Nah, let’s just make a Facebook and Twitter post about it and then we are good!

And then it gets even better.

Wait, did Expedia, the largest booking site for Air travel and hotels just pipe in on Earth Day? They even tagged it with their chat tag! Hey, get to booking, save the earth one flight to Vegas at a time!

But finally, here’s an earth day post I can get behind!