Coachella Is For Assholes. (warning, graphic rant inside)


Coachella has quickly become the herpes of Facebook, it seems like once it flares up, it’s really tough to bring it down. The first couple of years of the Coachella bullshit machine, I honestly thought it was fine. The same kind of “fine feeling” I get when I see some one check in at the gym. But now I hate it with the same wrath I have for the yellow Starburst, it makes my face cringe.

Coachella assholes want us all to believe they are existing in moments of enlightenment that the rest of us just can’t understand. But basically, they are camping. And if there is one thing I learned at a young age, camping is for hillbilly assholes. You can dress it up like a Drake or Madonna fan, but on the inside, it’s still a hillbilly asshole. Have you ever seen a campsite not ran over with white assholes boasting tribal tattoo shittyness? Nope. You haven’t. Coachella wants us to believe they are some sort of esoteric, artistic type, when really they are Memorial Day on a fat guy’s boat drinking warm beer on a piss filled lake.

Coachella is a concert also, which seems to surprise the fuck out of these people. “OMG Drake just came out HOLY SHIT FUCK OMFG I’M DRINKING MY URINE.”

It’s Drake, you asshole, no one cares. And it’s a concert. What the fuck did you think was going to happen at a concert? Maybe people would come out on stage and sing some shit?

Coachella assholes want us to believe they are living the dream of poor college students, as if they are rubbing some burning man sand inside of their vaginas in a world of extreme enlightenment the rest of us can’t begin to fathom. Well, when you have mommy and daddy’s Amex, you can fathom the fuck away. In fact, the more you fathom, the more points your parents earn. Coachella is a cesspool of rich kids pretending to be poor. Nothing wrong with being a rich fuck, you can’t help the vagina you fell out of, but stop pretending you’re crossing a desert in sandals with just a loaf of bread.

Wait, remember how California was having this severe drought? Like people were going to wrinkle up, die and turn into raisins from dehydration if someone didn’t stop people from flushing their toilets? Well don’t tell anyone at Coachella, because the same assholes posting daily about how they are going to save California by taking a 27 minute shower instead of a 31 minute shower are camping out on some beautiful, lush green landscapes. I’m no environmental expert, but I gotta think you don’t get some green ass lawns without dumping some of Evian and Fiji’s finest on it. Coachella people went from posting about how scared they of the drought and how everyone needs to do something to pissing ecstasy pill remnants all over paradise green lawns. All with Drake choking music behind them.

Your coachella sucks.