5 Assholes Who Should Immediately Buy An Apple Watch


Apple just came out with a watch. It is called “Apple Watch.” It cost $349 to have your text messages pop up on your wrist. You may be wondering, should I have an Apple Watch? Well, maybe, but maybe not. So here is a complete list of people the Apple Watch is right for.

1) You Are A Lazy Fuck

You aren’t just lazy, you are stupid fucking lazy. I mean the kind of lazy that means you have shit your pants just to avoid the 11 feet separating you from a modern toilet. The kind of lazy that means you opted to have a Fleshlight delivered to your house rather than call a Craigslist hooker. I mean like, so fucking lazy that you hear an incoming text and you’d prefer just rolling over your lazy wrist to check it. You should get an Apple Watch.

2) You Are Stupid With Money

Like you look around your small apartment and you see things like a Shake Weight, a 55 inch TV and some shitty art from Z-Gallery. You look out your window and you see your Mitsubishi Eclipse with tinted windows and ghetto rims on it ready for your driving pleasure. Your maxed out Credit Card keeps calling to tell you that you are over your $1200 limit. You have a pair of Kobe’s new shoes. Your investment fund is at an Asian Massage parlor down the street from your small apartment.  The Apple Watch is a perfect addition to your collection of waste.

3) You Are A Fat Person Who Wears Tiny Jeans.

Some fat people wear trendy tighter jeans and once they put their iPhone into their side pocket, it takes an act of God to get the phone out and check for text messages and missed calls. In this case the Apple Watch is right there on your fat wrist giving you all the information you need, without needing pliers and a welder.

 4) You Are Trying To Get Into Shape By Acting Like A Douchebag Asshole At Your Work

Instead of joining a gym, you prefer to have a watch monitor your movement. When you stand up because you need to reach for a skittle, you want that activity to count towards your fitness. If you take a meaningless trip down the hall so you can check out the secretary’s hot tits, you want that to be part of your daily fitness detail. And then you want to post this shit to Facebook. Because all your Facebook friends will love seeing how many goddamn fucking steps you took that day. Then the Apple Watch is for you.

5) You Are Addicted To Gaming

You saved Zelda years ago from Hyrule and Ganon, but it was hard because you had to deal with that loud ringing rotary phone. Now you have to deal with the inconvenience of fielding text messages from your mother asking you to come up for dinner all while you are trying to shoot down towel heads on your latest mission while wearing headphones and talking to super losers through a microphone. You could use an Apple Watch. The world could use you using an Apple Watch.

Now, it is important to figure out if you are a person who doesn’t need one. You can either use the logic of elimination from the afformentioned list, or, use the below list.

How To Know That You Don’t Need An Apple Watch.

1) You Get Pussy.

You don’t need an Apple Watch.

The Apple Watch isn’t for everyone, but it sure as fuck is for some people..