CNN and all the major news networks have been on a rampage trying to convince me that I should be scared of these ISIS dudes. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to have anything to do with any beheadings. I like my head. Someone sawing it off sounds like a bad thing. But overall I am just having a hard time buying into the terrorist propaganda network, or CNN, and getting like as super scared as these Bros.
Like that’s fucking scary. Though credit that solid shirt Bro for sticking in there and fighting the fuck out of a fake goblin.
ISIS just doesn’t do that for me.
Let’s look at how CNN is handling our daily ISIS fear factor update this morning, shall we? Tell me if THIS scares you.
I’m just not that scared. Wait, fuck, that’s a serial killer, not ISIS or Al Qaeda or China or whatever. Now that actually does scare me. First off Missouri in general is scary, but when you mix serial killers and this piece of shit house, I’m scared. Anyways, you get my point about terrorist. So what kind of upgrades can they make for themselves to be a little scarier?
1) Stop using monkey bars.
I know the US Military has videos showing the use of monkey bars, but it is not the central video plot. All ISIS and Al Qaeda videos feature a central athletic theme which uses monkey bars. While I understand monkey bars can be a good workout (I attended 3rd grade also), they really are more something found on a children’s playground. I can’t imagine any scenario whatsoever where having a supreme monkey bar ability would come in handy. If you were say, running through brick walls, or say, jumping through burning flames, that would be super fucking intimidating because the world is full with brick walls and if you guys are attacking some shit, I can see how there would be fire. Then I’d be like “shit, here come these ISIS fuckers and this brick wall just isn’t going to cut it.” But now its like “OK here come these ISIS fuckers, does anyone see any monkey bar type attack routes outside of the house? No. OK calm the fuck down were are good.”
I honestly think you bros would do better posting yoga videos. Seriously, have you ever tried yoga? I used to make fun of it but it really is challenging.
2) Get some better cameras.
Have you ever downloaded the torrent version of Fight Club? Hopefully not, because that’s illegal, but it’s basically the result of some bro holding his little camcorder in the theater then uploading it to the torrent sites. Its very shaky, the lighting is off and there is this woman’s fat perm that drifts into really inopportune scenes like where Brad Pitt is cutting in a dick into a movie. It’s just not as tough as the Blue Ray version. That’s how I see these terrorist videos, they need some better equipment and maybe even a director who is knowledgeable in camera angles and boom sticks.
3) Smashing Artifacts.
Let’s start by looking at this.
Ok, two bros beating the fuck out of some stone bro with axes.
Now try this.
A bro smashing a watermelon with a hammer. I really think this one is scarier, at least there is red and he looks like a serial killer in the image.
I once saw a Youtube of some teenage vagrant smashing an expensive painting of his parent’s while in his room. He was raging over it. I really wasn’t scared at all. That’s what these artifact videos remind me of, basically, all the times in my life when I totally wasn’t scared. I know everyone gets upset because the artifacts have historical relevance, I don’t much care about that (it should be noted I hated the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam). I care more that you are smashing anything as a way to intimidate the general population.
The point of this article? Fuck ISIS. And CNN for spreading their shitty ass propaganda around.