8 Reasons Why You and Your Coconut Oil are F*ing Stupid

Coconut Oil. Have you heard about it yet? Oh wait, of course you have, because you probably have at least 3 douchey friends that post shit about coconut oil on Facebook at least 4 times a week. Its really become a douche lotion more than anything. Anytime someone finds out that a coconut when broken has actual ingredients, people go directly into super douche mode.

Here are 8 (I mean 9) reasons to shut the fuck up about Coconut Oil.

1) It taste like shit. Stop eating it straight and pretending it’s good. I have a motto, if it looks like crisco then it probably taste like crisco. I also have another motto, if it looks like a douche then it probably is a douche.

2) Its not going to help you lose weight. Why? Because you are a fat ass. You somehow have been sold that you can eat a bunch of piggy food all day then ADD ON Coconut Oil and lose weight. There is no logic in that whatsoever. Your ass needs to be eating less, not more. SOLVE THE PROBLEM.

3) I don’t give shit if you and your girl bang with it. KY Jelly is just fine, but I don’t need to brag about it. Why? Because the bitches get wet for me. At least that’s what I prefer Facebook think. I don’t need to go make announcements that when I take my shirt off my girl dries up like a California aquifer. And does your hand go from penis to coconut oil back to penis to vaginal to coconut oil to penis to TV remote or how does this clearly sanitary situation work itself out?

4) You can’t “use it for everything” as your 30 million asinine post would suggest. How do I know? Because one day I rubbed it on my computer’s monitor when your Facebook was open to see if it would kill you. It didn’t because I still see your weekly Coconut Oil is fantastic post. Conclusion = Obvious.

5) Brushing your teeth with it is stupid. But keep posting that you do that. I have a NEVER KISS HER list in my Google Drive.

6) Stop feeding it to your pet. Do you fucking have any idea how pissed your poor ass pet must be when you ruin his food with coconut oil? He already has to eat your dried up organic pasture raised eagle wings but then you add insult to injury by caking some crisco shit on top of it. Don’t be surprised if that little Boston Terrier eats your fucking arm off one day.

7) Stop taking picture of the bottle. They all look the same, there are only so many coconut oil producers anyways.

8) Stop posting that you use it while laying out at the pool. I go to the pool now and sometimes it literally smells like a broad is cooking. Like her flesh is being sautéed. Oh wait, that’s because it is, because that’s how it fucking happens when you sit at the pool in 105 degree Vegas heat lathered in cooking oil. WHO KNEW?

Oh, wait, I said 8? There are actually SO MANY AMAZING REASONS THAT YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT COCONUT OIL that I found another.

9) For God’s sake, stop posting that silly image that shows Coconut Oil solving like 1 million health issues. Obviously this doesn’t happen because if it did, we’d already have murdered like half the people in the Phillipines in order to get our selfish asses in there, then charged incredible amounts of money for it. That’s how shit works here. As it stands, that isn’t happening, so guess what, your Coconut Oil is shit.

I am going to make an image for you though. Here is an image you can share in place of it.


feature Photo by mealmakeovermoms