Stop Counting Your Goddamn Dog For Mother’s Day.


This Stupid New Trend Needs To Stop.

Mother’s day happens once a year. And on that one day per year, you are supposed to at least call your mother and tell her thanks for allowing you to ruin her vagina for life. Or, you are supposed to call the woman who loaded your ass in the car after your real parents didn’t want you and tell her “happy mother’s day.” Or you are supposed to thank your wife or girlfriend for ruining her vagina because your sperm pulled the winning ticket from the 7-Eleven inside of her vagina.

What do all these things have in common? A woman raising a real life human fucking being. The common denominator is pretty obvious here.

So then why does shit get so confused?

Because we live in the new, ultra-pussy world whereas everything has to be exactly fair. Everyone has to be equal no matter what. Think of our sociopolitical system like that of living in China, but without the noodles and smog and with the Kardashians. People can’t take it when a day happens and they aren’t the center of selfie-attention. People with dogs actually get upset that people didn’t tell them happy mother’s day. This is pathetic. Like bang your head against a ceramic pot pathetic.

I mean seriously, how do you fuck with Mother’s day you pretentious bitches? Sure, it’s really great that you have a dog. Rescue dog? Even better. But you don’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day, because that is a day for celebrating MOTHERS who raised human beings!

But fret not, it’s damn OK for you to take a day off and just let a few post on Facebook not have anything to do with you. Your life will go on. Maybe you can use the time to focus on what’s next in line for you to steal the center of attention from. Anything would be better than stealing the spotlight from mom, anyone who does this kind of theft should have a can of hot Campbell’s soup dumped over their heads.

I’m not saying that raising a dog is easy, I’m saying you are an asshole. Kids shit themselves, your dog hopefully shits outside. Kids learn to talk which inevitably works against mothers, dogs bark exactly the same their entire lives. Kids say things like “this is why dad had sex with his stripper secretary because you are a mean old bitch” to their mothers. Dogs jump on your lap.

So just stop. One day a year not being about your ass is OK. You get to post every day that you have a dog, that you are doing Yoga, that you ate a lot of food so you are working out, that you hate it when guys hit on you. Your mother doesn’t get to make a daily post that when she looks at you, her vagina feels after shocks.

It’s one day assholes.