You and Your Kombucha Are F*cking Stupid.

Kombucha is the new douchebag drink. Douches flood Whole Foods and Trader Joes to get Kombucha so they can get some douche fuel, which is basically all it is good for. Here are 5 reasons you and your Kombucha areĀ fucking stupid.

1) You have no idea what it fucking is?

You can probably just stop reading here, because this reason in all her glory trumps all others. Ask someone drinking Kombucha what Kombucha is and then prepare to be mesmerized by the fact that they have no idea. They will say things like “it is healthy.” or “bro it is good for you.” But there is never like a real answer to what the hell it actually is. One thing always holds true, douches and bros don’t need a reason, they just need another bro to tell them they should drink it.

2) It taste like pig’s urine heated up in the Nevada desert.

It’s gross. Like seriously gross. How can something so gross, that you have no idea what it is, be something you want to throw down your bro hipster throats?

3) It has a really stupid name.

Come on, the name in and of itself is pretty damn stupid sounding. It sounds like

4) It “dates back centuries.”

See Paleo diet asshats. See Cross fitters swinging mallets. See a whole laundry list of dumb ass shit linked to “dates back centuries.” Volcano ash dates back centuries also, but no one is eating that shit now are they?

5) Kombucha Beer is a thing

If you drink Kombucha beer, I hope you fall into a volcano full of paleo lava. I was at a Whole Foods once and the bartender gave me a sample of it, I wanted to chop his legs and put them on display in the cheese section. Why do you douches have to ruin beer of all things? Like are you trying to drink beer and improve your digestion at the same time? It’s just fucking gross.

Photo by nAok0