Yesterday morning I woke up and realized I had missed episode 3 of The Walking Dead. I immediately felt a wave of panic come over my body and I thought “holy fuck what must have happened?” I could feel hives breaking out on my thighs. I was lightheaded. I felt a sense of purposelessness. Like an exposed cold war spy, I began reaching for my handy cyanide pill: what would a world sans knowledge of The Walking Dead’s third episode be like? Would it be worth living in? Fucking hell, no it would not.
But then this moment of clarity filled my body like Jesus blessing stripper tits: Why don’t I just go to my Facebook newsfeed because some asshat inbred shitface has probably already posted what happened.
And so I did.
Thank you for making my television experience incredibly convenient. I am 40 fucking years old, the truth is, I’m not hanging out in spring break bars taking tequila shots off spring break boobs anymore. A huge part of my life is waiting to watch the 40 or so shows I watch to see what happens. When you post stupid shit on Facebook and spoil it, you shit on me.
You should have watched it when it happened!
Look asshat, some of us have shit to do. Some of us have kids. Some of us have really shitty kids and we have to go to parent-teacher conferences and then spend half the night trying to solve basic math problems and checking off hours of homework. Some of us have jobs (yeah, next time you get that kidney stone, please tell the Nurse working the night shift about how you spoil all her shows). Some of us go to bed early because we get up earlier in the morning so we can serve you breakfast. Some of own mace (while not totally relevant, you should probably understand this).
But I didn’t post specifics that’s your fault for assuming!
You posted “OMG Glen NOOOOOOOOO!”
Dear smelly vagina. Did you assume I maybe thought you were talking about Glen, your asian pedicurist, who happened to clip off your small toe because it looked more like witches cheek wart?
Here’s a simple math problem I want you to solve. First, how many people do you know named “Glen?” Call that number A.
Next, of all those people you know named Glen, how many of them do you think that I know? Call that variable B.
Now take A and subtract B from it. Then take that answer and eat a pile of rotting shit you clown faced fuck.
But my post was “Ugh, I guess the asian representation is gone.” That’s not a giveaway.
Dear smelly ball sack. Not sure how much Walking Dead you watch, but the show has a relatively pretty precise formula when it comes to who they kill off. The formula is: They must be black. Or were black. Or thought about being black. There was like one actual asian on the show.
But maybe he isn’t dead?
Oh great point. Now drop me a Scoobie Snack and I’ll just go on with my life.
You people are literally the worst. Maybe some of you don’t do it on purpose, but you are still satan’s excrement for being completely naive. Facebook publishes public post. I know, many of you thought it was just some internal memorandum for you so you could keep track of pictures of your dinners, but the fact is, we all have to read your bullshit on the daily. Normally it is just that: bullshit. But yesterday it was bullshit peppered with day ruiner.
I want to make an important note here. It wasn’t just assclown normals doing this. Big huge mammoth websites also did this. But the worst had to be NPR. Yes, NPR, the station that plays boring ass news segments in the morning for hipsters who want to pretend to be informed, sophisticated, modern, gluten free asshats.
John Samarron, you fucking win my friend.
You asshats need to stop making excuses for your ineptness. Take responsibility. Delete your Facebook accounts. Move on, it didn’t work out. Things happen.