How To Not Be An Asshole When Using An Elevator (Official Guide)


Elevators can be great. They allow us to get up a building without having to walk and burn calories while simultaneously drinking a latte or soda. But they are also a haven for douchebags and assholes and fucknuts. Elevators should be simple, but often times, when people use an elevator, they confuse them with a place to be a jackass.

Comment Below with your thoughts on elevator asshats.

Let’s see if we can unconfuse this grand mystery.


If I were to quickly rank the biggest assholes in the history of the world since the invention of the elevator, it would go Rosa Park’s Bus Driver, Kirk Cameron (post Growing Pains, current religious fuckjob) and then you. Now that’s just off the top of my head, given more time to think it over, Kirk did have an awesome show at one time and I’d have unprotected sex with his sister if given a chance, so you might actually be towing the 2-spot line here. It’s really just fucking hard to say.

When you get into an elevator, you need to have a clue where the fuck you are going. If you fuck up once and hit the wrong floor, maybe you get another shot at it. MAYBE. But no fucking way past that can you hit anymore floors. At the point you start to hit that button a third time, you just need to exit the fucking elevator, take a little time out and figure out which fucking floor is short an asshat: then get back in and punch that floor.


Your life is about as intriguing to me as watching a snail shit. I already really don’t like people, don’t take advantage of our brief confinement together by starting in on me about the weather, how tired you are, how you don’t like Mondays, or any other trifling shit. I happen to love Mondays, I get drunk on Monday nights, I’ve basically cheated the system. You haven’t figured that out? Then you just aren’t smart enough for me, so shut the fuck up. We don’t need to have a friend thing going because honestly, once you start talking, my head goes to places like “would his rotting body smell through my floorboards.”


Remember the movie Driving Miss Daisy? I always thought that movie should have ended with Morgan Freeman shooting Jessica Tandy 7 times in the head. Hopefully that answers that.


The fact that cell phones don’t work well in elevators is a solid indicator to put your cell in shut the fuck up mode, it isn’t an invitation to compete with shoddy service by ordering your rash medication from your pharmacist while the conversation keeps cutting out and you keep having to repeat yourself and hold your phone in some bizarre contorted position. It is also not an invitation to pretend you are on some bad ass “biz” call and a fucking “boss.” You are not a “boss,” you are my next homicide.


When the elevator door opens, if you aren’t inside it, get the fuck out of the way. Why on earth does it make sense on any level to start entering an elevator that is opening? Elevators are basically small human shit boxes forcing a bunch of people to smell, hear and see one another in super close confines. Everyone just wants to get the fuck out. There is nothing worse than seeing the door start to crack open and some douchebag penetrating it before there is even enough room to enter it.


The reason I’m standing in a far corner of the elevator when you get on is because I was expecting an asshat just like you to get on it.

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