Facebook plans to destroy lives today with forced Timeline.

I, like most red blooded American men, visit Facebook 3500 times a day because I like to laugh at Relationship Statuses which change to “is now single” and make fun of the fat guy that checks in daily at the gym (I mean, come on, why even go? It’s been a motherf#$%g year child and you ain’t changing!). But today is going to be a real treat. Today is the day that Facebook will ruin lives.

Today the evil empire which is Facebook will force upon the people, Timeline. To make a comparative, this day for many pussy American idiots, will be looked upon the same as when China said the Internet wasn’t allowed and some people will need to kill their second baby. Like that. The following is what my Facebook feed will look like and what my comments will follow as:


-Facebook forced me to Timeline, guess I will not be on Facebook as much anymore. Text me if you want to contact me.

Dear Pretentious idiot, no one cares to contact you. And you aren’t going anywhere. Why? Because my life isn’t that awesome. I’m just not fortunate enough for you to off yourself by jumping from a high rise building and landing on my car. I need an insurance fix, rent is due. You saying you are going to leave Facebook is like Herpes saying its going to leave Kim Kardashian’s vagina. Not possible. Suck it up, chump.

-Guess Facebook decided to move me to Google+. See everyone thereā€¦

Yep, I just added you to my Circle titled “f@#$ng idiots.” You can’t decline, because G+ doesn’t allow you to have a say in what my Circles are named and IF you are in them. So in a way, G+ is like China and you are like a second baby girl. Motherf#$%g rad.

-Does anyone know how I can turn my Facebook back to the old way? This Timeline sucks!

Yep, drink a vat of lighter fluid and then swallow a lit match. Works like a charm.

-This isn’t fair! You should get to choose if you want Timeline!

Your mother said this when she was preggo with you, unfortunately the laws in her state f#$%ed her. Move on, idiot. Clearly she did.


Some of you are really being pussies about this. Its just Facebook, my God, move on.