Thinking The Pats Should Play In Superbowl Makes You An Asshole. (4 great reasons why)

new england patriots photo
Photo by Keith Allison


As everyone has heard already, the New England Patriots, after being investigated for allegations of deflating the balls they use on offense, have been shown to have committed the act. Yep, the New England Patriots took 2lbs of air out of their balls in their playoff game versus the Indianapolis Colts.  And this is now bullshit at the highest level. The Patriots should vacate their AFC Title and the Colts should be put in.

Lets over a few points in this matter:

Everyone Always Says This About The Pats Because They Are Haters.

Does anyone remember the movie, Just Cause. In the movie, Blair Underwood’s character is accused of murder, but Laurence Fishburne and all his awesomeness moves in and saves Blair from being fried up like a cracked egg on the roof of a Vegas strip club during a summer day. Blair is all like “what the fuck man I didn’t do anything everyone is liars people are mean.” And Laurence is like “I know man lets blame Ed Harris you seem so chill and cool lets go fishing and stuff.” But the whole time you are watching the movie you are like man, this Blair guy, he just feels wrong. And then after Fishburne gets his new fishing buddy off the hook of the Florida state friar, Blair goes on and tries to kill Kate Capshaw because Blair was a fucking murderer like everyone was trying to say the whole time. Kate Capshaw almost died because Lawrence Fishburn was an inept assclown. Kate Capshaw was super fucking hot. Remember Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom? Yeah, Blair Underwood almost killed her.

In this story, The Patriots are Blair Underwood. The NFL is Lawrence Fishburne. And the Colts are Kate Capshaw. That’s how fucked this thing is. Everyone is saying that the Patriots cheat all the time, but the NFL never listens because the Patriots are like their cool fishing buddy. And the Colts are this hot, new, young team just trying to get by, but can’t, because Lawrence Fishburne is an asshole.


Spygate Is So Not A Big Deal, It Doesn’t Explain How Great That Pats Team Was.

I used to work at an Olive Garden. A bunch of really gross ass people would come in all at the same time during lunch and dinner rushes. I hated people, but I needed a dime or two to pay rent and get low grade bottles of hard alcohol for the weekends. The process was to go and get the orders, punch them in, check the kitchen for other orders for other tables of mine, then get drinks, refill drinks, etc. But many people were total fucking assholes. They’d like modify the shit out of orders, or want like Arnold Fucking Palmers. When people came in, I pretty much knew they wanted breadsticks and some Alfredo sauce, but I didn’t know everything else, hence, I had to go stand at the table with these miserable souls and write down a highly modified order from a bunch of out of shape people who thought their modifications meant they were dieting. This took up a lot of time, standing at the table, working with each individual over which pasta shit they wanted covered with what type of sauce shit. Real complex shit went down at the OG. But what if, just what if, I already knew the order before they even sat down? I could just stand at the computer, punch in fucking orders, and then walk over with drinks and pull my cock out and spike a breadstick in celebration from being THE BEST FUCKING OG WAITER EVA! It would have been a cakewalk and I’d have been invited to OG all star wait staff teams all around the nation. Maybe even bumped up to the more prestigious Red Lobster.

But that’s not what happened. I was a mediocre and shitty waiter who made tons of mistakes, made orders totally late and often just forgot shit. Now, see the difference between knowing the play-calls and not? Yeah, in one scenario you are working a filthy lunch shift at Olive Garden, the other you are talking chef’s specials with elitist guest at a Red Lobster. Knowing the play-calls is fucking beast mode shit. Stop saying it isn’t.


But The Colts Were Smoked And The Deflated Balls Made No Difference.

Who the fuck are you to say this? So basically you can cheat, so long as the cheating didn’t seem to effect the game in a subjective way? When has that ever made any sense at all? And how can anyone say that it didn’t effect the game? Professional sports is highly influenced by momentum, what if the Patriots had had a critical turnover, a fumble? You can’t add the points up here, you have to account for momentum. A ball with 2lbs less of air is a huge advantage. The game, simply put, just wasn’t fair for the Colts (I don’t give a shit about the Colts), but the fact remains, it was not fair. There were 11 balls short of air. Basically 11 balls used by the Patriots could have also been used as my pillow. Not fucked up? Very.

What if you and I were dating the same broad. What if we both really wanted to be her boyfriend. What if we both were successful and able to treat her to nice things, such as dinner at various Red Lobsters. BUT, what if I had balls with 2lbs more ball to them? I’d be a powerhouse sex machine. She’d come in my bedroom, there I would be in a Lone Ranger mask with some laundry clips hanging from my 2lbs balls which would be hanging in front of a TV playing Internet Porn featuring guys with balls that now look tiny. Then she’d be at your place, your pants come off, your average balls now seeming to her like children’s marbles (the small colorful ones, not the bad ass black one that could fucking be the marble destroyer). Who do you think she is going to want to dine with at Red Lobster again?

Balls fucking matter. They make a difference. Don’t kid yourself.


The NFL May Remove A Future Draft Pick From The Patriots.

Oh seriously, just go fuck yourself NFL. Lets do the math here, what has more value, the 31st pick in the NFL draft, or yet another Superbowl Title? I guess Arik Armstead can just hang on ’till the second round, my guess is he will be fine (Tampa in the winter is so much nicer than Boston anyways, Arik). The Pats don’t even like 1st round picks, their quarterback was picked after 198 other guys went. I am pretty sure the Jaguars called me that same day a few hours before Tom got the nod and fresh new hat, but I was super wasted from day drinking and thought caller ID was fucking with me. If you are going to give out a penalty for an infraction, shouldn’t the punishment be greater than the gains via the infraction? What is this, a year in Club Fed: get back out there son, you’re rich again! Its complete bullshit. This is an awesome trade for the Patriots.

Feature Photo by Keith Allison