Why Playing Pokemon Go Makes You a Super Douchebag

If your weekend wasn’t filled with have various social interactions, libations with bros, coffee with friends, a bike ride, and maybe even some sexual intercourse with another human being, it was quite possibly filled with walking the streets of your town engaged with a glorified snapchat filter trying to collect imaginary balls.

How do I know this?

Because only a human being that had reached the absolute bottom of the social basement would reduce themselves to following their damn smartphone around chasing cheap looking graphics for points. (that was the easiest mystery I ever did solve).

But that’s not the worst of it. The game sucks. Yes, I installed it to see what the hype was all about. Put faith in a handful of douchebags on my newsfeed. I reaped the tragedy that is Pokemon Go. This game is a glorified gimmick (at best). Its shitty graphics overlaying your camera.


If you find this to be entertaining, you have 0 chance at ever dominating life. This game sucks geriatric testicles. Once I discovered how incredibly stupid this game was, I uninstalled the app by dousing my iPhone in gasoline and lighting it on fire. I want no evidence that this bullshit ever existed on my phone.

The Nintendo bros who made this game must be laughing all the way to the bank.

I imagine this is how things went down in the Nintendo creative meeting which led to this abysmal undertaking.

Nintendo personnel 1: So my idea is that we create a brand new elaborate piece of software that allows the brain to control your automobile….

Mario: Nah, seems way too innovative, next!

Nintendo personnel 2: How about an app that when you turn it on, it burns up all your carbs and you lose weight.

Luigi: No I like carbs we need something that’s really…I don’t know….ridiculously child like…

Nintendo personnel 3: I’ve got it. We team up with National Cancer Institute and create an app that senses when the body might be developing a variety of cancers….

Mario: Sounds pretty philanthropic, we are looking for something that allows people to thoughtlessly waste their lives.

Nintendo personnel 4: I’ve got it. We basically make a game that has people walking around chasing snapchat filters and earning points. The game will be easy, like no reading required, and will use the iPhone camera and people can post pictures of themselves playing with cartoons.

Luigi: I just came. In my pants.

I really hope someone finds Koni using Pokemon Go. I’m still looking for that guy.