Everyone by now knows someone who is lying about needing to be Gluten Free because they have a “gluten allergy.” And while Celiac is real, most of these broads and sissy dudes are pretty much full of it. But so many douchebags still want to roll with gluten free, because its basically an Ice Bucket challenge for those that want to get attention from their dietary choices. So in order to make the effort more seamless, I’ve created 5 steps to become a gluten free douchebag.
1) Annoy The Piss Out Of Everyone Using Your Social Media.
You need to go ahead and act as if you discovered the polio vaccine. Anytime you encounter anything gluten free, go ahead and announce that shit on Facebook. Check in to places that have gluten free options, post pictures of rice, post articles talking about how some lady had to amputate her legs because of gluten. The more you post about being gluten free, the more your ass is gluten free (this is a proven fact). Nothing gets the point of gluten free across more than mass posting about being gluten free. Not posting about gluten 6 times a day is the same as eating gluten.
2) Completely Piss Off Your Boyfriend’s Family During The Holidays.
When you show up for your man’s Christmas dinner, don’t even worry about it being the first time you have met his family, immediately let these gluten harboring assholes know how you roll. Make them go through and find pans that have never housed the gluten poison, let them know that no matter what they are eating, you can obtain the same shit without gluten. Make sure they understand that you will never be gluten f’d.
3) Blame Gluten For Anything Bad That Has Or Does Happen To You.
Being gluten free means being completely and totally inappropriate at all levels. If you think someone or someplace “glutened” you, talk about how your shit looked in the toilet the next day, because that’s what people need to hear. Don’t worry about if its a Match.com coffee date, if you have a rash on your ass cheeks, blame that shit on gluten. Have some credit card fraud going on, blame the glutens. Remember, everything in your life is total and complete shit because of gluten, let the world know about it one person at a time.
4) Destroy Waiters, Waitresses And Bartenders
If you want to lead the truly gluten free lifestyle, then you need to completely and totally make sure that all waiters F’ing hate you. Always go ahead and ask them for a gluten free menu then even if they do have one, start going through all the menu items one by one and asking them if it has gluten in it. If they say it doesn’t, request that they go ask the chef to make sure there are no glutens floating around in it that the waiter may not really know about. Remember, you are smarter than everyone else for having discovered the glutens. Talk about how gluten will make your face swell and cause you to do things like shit brown water and maybe even die. The waiter needs to know that the blood of the glutens is on his or her hands.
5) Always Believe That You Know More Than Your Doctor
Want to be really gluten free? You need to let your Doctor know that you have Googled a lot of shit on the Internet and they best step the F’ OFF. If you aren’t careful, Doctors will slowly allow gluten to kill your ass so make sure you let them know immediately that all of your bad shit is a direct result of gluten. If your neck is sore, remember, you probably caught a gluten from a friend’s pan or something.
And there you have it. Follow all these steps and you yourself can turn into a full on gluten free douchebag lying asshole..