So You Want To Fight A Stranger. Here Are 4 Recommended Targets.

Ever have one of those days where you wake up and think, “man, I want to start a fight with someone?” Like a real fight. Like almost how in Fight Club they have to go start a fight with a stranger type fight. Like that.

Well, I want to first tell, you are wrong and you are a bad and terrible person. Fighting is adolescent, barbaric and goes against the amber waves of peace and harmony that our country has created by blowing up other countries using explosives, drones, and retaliatory missile launches. Be peaceful and loving always. Considering you want to beat someone up, specifically someone you don’t know, makes you the worst of the worst kind.

That said, no reason for the undeserving to get hurt. So I’ve taken the time to create a list of people that, if the event arises and some people end up getting beat up, should be considered a priority.

1) Tough Mudders.

tough mudder photo
Photo by glennharper

These assholes are easy to spot. They typically have black eye paint on and wear a shirt that has bright orange “tough mudder” printed on it. They destroy your Facebook feed talking about how they are “training for the tough mudder” and they even try to recruit. It’s awful. I think they think they are like in the Navy Seals. A Navy Seal would stomp them out of their misery.

2) Cross Fit Assholes.

cross fit photo
Photo by Phynyght Studio

No one cares about your “cross fit family.” Why is it that you see pictures of people doing cross fit and lots of them are really fat? How is it even possible? Did anyone know that it is possible to do cross fit without saying you are doing cross fit? This is like Scientology but with a medicine ball.

3) Anyone Who Wants To Buy An Apple Watch.

iphone photoPhoto by Yeray Hernández

Holy shit, really? Just use your phone assholes. Do you really need to walk around talking to your wrist? “Locate Dunkin Donuts.” “Nearest Ethiopian Restaurant.” Do you really see your life taking on this direction?

4) Paleo Diet People.

paleo photoPhoto by nikoretro

NO ONE GIVES 3 SHITS WHAT YOU EAT. Please stop pretending that cornbread, birthday cake and donuts can somehow be modified into a caveman approved diet. You eat donuts, you’re a fatty just like the rest of us.