You know what I think of your salmon with a side of blueberries and kale? I think I don’t give a fuck. I have a pretty firm belief which I am sure a good number of you SuperFood SuperDouches aren’t going to like: If what you are eating ain’t on the menu at Chiles, you are a fucking asshole. I don’t care what your stupid Herbalife trainer has to say, it is all bullshit. Highl level bullshit at that. No food is a goddamn ‘superfood,’ food is all just food.
‘Superfoods’ aren’t real. They don’t exist. There is no science backing them at all.
“I just finished crossfit now getting my superfood smoothie on! #superfoods #IronLiftersLesbianBootsCrossfitterMiami #Nutrients #bodyneedsgreens #riseandcrossfit #moreby9amthenyou #protein #myhammysaresore”
I am 100% certain you have no idea what vitamins or nutrients you are even getting in your Gojo Berry, Seaweed, Salmon, lamb urine smoothie. I am also 100% sure your slutty ass will be drop dead drunk in a bar later tonight smoking cigs and then in the morning you will be back to posting about how you did crossfit and got some stupid power salad. Do you think anyone believes your Saturday morning ‘superfood’ check ins?
You know who else was a big superfood eater? Popeye the Sailor Man. You know how that worked out for him? Not fucking good. He spent years eating ‘superfood’ spinach and trying to fuck some skinny janky bitch who was mostly preoccupied with big ass Brutus who most certainly ate GiveAFuckFoods. Do you see Popeye tweeting shit about superfoods today? Nope. Why not? Because superfoods are fucking stupid and probably ruined Popeye’s life.
Does Gwyneth Paltrow look fucking happy sitting around for weeks with the flu posting Instagram pictures of herself eating seaweed? For fuck’s sake people. Imagine your kale vagina is suddenly sick and the only thing you do is drink water and eat dry salads. That sounds miserable. You know what kale vaginas actually need? Meat.
You know what’s an awesome superfood? Oxycontin. That shit is the realest deal ever. It’s fantastic. Take some Oxy and you’ll be super good to go. Sore from jumping on boxes and pretending you’re in the army at your crossfit place? Take Oxy. No more soreness. Got a cold? Take Oxy, the cold will suddenly feel like you are getting a handjob from Minnie Mouse while coming down the other side of a huge mega-roller-coaster. No ‘superfoods’ required at all. Just a cute little pill that goes down extra smooth with some Old Crow whiskey. Maybe pepper all that with a half spot of viagra and a thai massage girl and the flu will literally just run from your body screaming “I surrender!”
Stop being douchebags. Stop trying to impress us all. Stop posting that your skin is clear. You are actually super ugly. No one cares about you.
If your gonna be a douche and buy some SuperFoods, these are the best: