Charlotte McKinney is Instafamous. Many bros consider her vagina to be top level shit, sort of like when you are deciding on Italian food: Fazolis = Regular Shit while Olive Garden = Top Level Shit. You want to eat Olive Garden, not Fazolis.
But what if I told you that dating Charlotte McKinney wasn’t like dining in at Olive Garden at all? What if I told you that instead, it was potentially the same as shitting on an unprotected Fazolis shitter? Would you call me crazy?
WHAT. If I could prove it? Check out these 10 proof positive reasons….
1) Her pale clavicle
Imagine you are hanging out at a beach. And one of your bros is like “omg your girlfriend has such a nice tan I’d put my tongue on her she’s an awesome lampshade material” but then he is like “wait, wtf is wrong with her clavicle? Why is it so pale? Do you sex that?”
What would have started off as a good day suddenly turns into the day where your bros are like “my boy bangs this girl with a pale clavicle.”
Who would want to be the bro banging the vagina who has a nasty pale clavicle?
2) Pointy shoulders
Charlotte McKinney: “Hey, look over there, can you grab the lubricant so I can rub it all over your naked fat body?”
Charlotte McKinney: “No, the other way!”
Charlotte McKinney: “Wait, where are you going???”
YOU: “Fuck Charlotte, I’m sorry, I can never tell which way you are pointing because it always looks like your shoulders are pointing me in a totally different direction!”
Does that sound like something you want to deal with 3 times a day? I think not…
3) Expensive necklaces wouldn’t be worth it
There you are. You just put the necklace around your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney’s neck. You were at a Pandora’s jeweler no more than 3 hours earlier agonizing over which charm to have strung from the necklace. You finally settle on the Nutella Love Pendant, which slightly edges out the Disney Mini Mouse Vagina Pendant. But then you hang it from her neck and the pendant disappears as it falls between two enormous tits. They suffocate the Endangered Nutella Love Pendant like python swallowing a baby deer carcass.
All that thought. All that time spent charm shopping and you are left with nothing but molten zirconium.
4) She has ginormous bigfoot feet which ruin beaches
Think of it now. You are driving through Arkansas. You pull into a Chili’s bar and grill because you are hungry for a solid Triple Dipper experience (the lineup being SW egg rolls, big mouth bites and chicken crispers). When suddenly, out of nowhere, Arkansas state police approach you and ask you if your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney, is Bigfoot. How would you ever explain that she’s not? What if you never got to eat your triple dipper because you were talking to some officer about how big and ugly your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney’s, feet are?
5) She’s not durable
It’s difficult to fully grasp the tradgedy that would be your life here, but imagine for a second that every time you went anywhere, you had Charlotte McKinney bothering you with “I’m cold can you cuddle me” or “this hike is long maybe we should take a break in this cave for a few minutes.” Ugh.
6) She sucks
Imagine your life, constantly having to have the same conversation with her over and over…”Charlotte, you are sucking that wrong.” and “Charlotte, that’s not how you suck that.” and “Charlotte, get your hair out of your damn face and properly suck this or that.” Your life would be hell.
7) She has poor balance
There you are, hanging out with your family. You just introduced them to your new girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney. Mom’s thinking about grandkids, when suddenly, you hear this incredibly loud ‘thud’ from the kitchen area. And then Charlotte says, “sorry, I fell to the floor trying to reach for the pepper.”
8) Look closely at her left hip, there’s a noticeable wrinkle.
Imagine every time you go to the pool, all your friends being like, “man, bitch has a wrinkle on her left hip.” Date Charlotte McKinney, and that my friend, could end up being your life. Every time she put on a swimsuit, there you’d be, trying to rub cover up makeup over that part of her hip so as not to spend your day at the pool embarrassed.
9) She wears denim
Canadian people wear denim as suits. Canadian people mostly suck. When was the last time you were hanging out with a bunch of Canadians who were wearing suits and thought, “now this is the time of my life.” Never.
10) She has one eye sometimes
Imagine for a second just hanging out at an Olive Garden with your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney, when suddenly one of your bros is like “look at those breadsticks over there” and then your girlfriend Charlotte is like “I can’t see over there” because she only has one actual eye. Embarrassing, right?
Or what if you go to Dave and Busters and you are just trying to enjoy some Down The Clown when suddenly a group of adolescent boys run up and say, “are you dating a pirate?” There you’d be, the laughing stock of the arcade, because you chose to date Charlotte McKinney.