Most Of You Lion Savers Are Hypocrites

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You probably already know that a lion was killed in Africa. It was killed by a Dentist who spent money like a newly signed rapper at a car dealership. Lets cut the shit here, folks, this guy is a fucking assclown at level 12. And more into question is his inability to experience the same kind of human compassion most would if they shot a damn animal in close range with an arrow for what seems like no reason. But he is a Dentist, so maybe there is that sociopathic “I’m jabbing your gums with a sharp prod while drilling mercury into your teeth” thing and “I don’t care if you are crying” thing going on. I don’t know. I really just don’t know. And to preface, I eat meat. I try to choose wisely by spending more money on ethically treated animals. That’s that.

Now lets get on with this.

The only thing I can think of worse than a Dentist in general is, well, the overtly pathetic outrage that’s been the response to the lion being shot. The Facebook heroes are out in full force today. So let’s have a closer look.

 

You’re Animal Racist

I keep seeing the “how could you kill a beautiful animal.” This has to be some kind of a joke, right? So that’s how this shit works now? If the animal is subjectively beautiful, we should protect it from the harm, torture and dire exploitation that our world consistently offers to animals. Did I get that right? We shit on animals on a second-by-second basis. But that’s now OK in the sense that it can be justified by how we subjectively view an animal? How much influence would say, Disney, have to now do with which animals are decidedly tortured and which aren’t?

A Lack Of Extinction Doesn’t Justify Meaningless Killing

I keep seeing you people justifying your outrage because the lion is on the extinction list. Is it even on that list? Have you checked?

Well, I have a few thoughts. The first is, fuck you. Tell me when you ever gave a shit about lions becoming (maybe) extinct? Seriously, if you would have taken 3 damn pennies a day for the past 3 years and donated it to saving lion causes, you’d have done a hell of a lot more for lions than you have calling for a Dentist to be – imprisoned for life, fed to lions, murdered, tortured – over the killing of 1 lion.

Dear prick, visit this link and start donating! I know, it will be difficult for you to step away from Facebook where you’ve enjoyed chest bowing your status updates and comments on articles, but this is the right thing to do. And when I say “right thing,” I actually mean doing anything BUT bitching like a sad vagina. They take credit cards and Paypal and you can even mail your personal checks!

Next, to justify the protection of an animal from torture, exploitation or killing because it is going (maybe) extinct is ridiculous. It passes no logic test at all. So should this Dentist have shot an Raccoon at close range instead? Would that have been OK by you Facebook warriors? If you want to help a cause to save animals on the extinction list, go for it, but that’s pretty exclusive to the idea that it somehow should distribute the means of basic protection all animals should share. Basically, you’re probably an asshole who has never actually attempted to save an animal but this opportunity to flex your Facebook attention whoring mouth was just too much to pass up.

If You Eat Most Cheap Meats, You’re Worse Than The Dentist

I know, you assclowns were prepared for this one. I’m sure I’ll hear all about how I “don’t understand” in the comments and that this “isn’t the same at all.” Let’s start with the chickens. I know, Disney doesn’t have a popular chicken character (at least not one I know of). If you think that shooting a lion at close range is worse than the absolute atrocities committed at factory chicken farms, you have lost touch with reality.

But wait, I know, you EAT it, so therefore it is fine!

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No. You overeat. You don’t survive. The idea that people need this incredible amount of animal protein on a daily basis is ridiculous. You do it because you are an asshole pig. You don’t need to eat this much chicken. And certainly you NEVER need to eat chicken from mid-level grocery stores (yep, anywhere BUT MAYBE Whole Foods pretty much). Why aren’t you up in arms over this matter? Wait, that’s rhetorical, I know the answer: It’s because you don’t want to be inconvenienced. Not eating chicken is well, a super huge inconvenience. Let’s be honest, if the cause is asking you to do more than post a diatribe on Facebook, you’re out. Let’s all get together at Buffalo Wild Wings this weekend and cry about the dead lion while having $1 beers and 15 baskets of fried wings!

People saying they eat it and it’s justifiable are largely dumbasses. You aren’t living in a cabin, shooting rabbits and squirrels to feed your kids. You aren’t “surviving.” You’re eating mostly for pleasure and fatness. A country of fat people trying to protect one lion while torturing, slaughtering chickens, and pretending they are somehow the righteous, is a complete joke and shows a total lack of attachment to anything reality based. Unless you are getting your chicken from local farms, YOU contribute way more to the issue than the dentist did. But hey, I wouldn’t want anyone to have to sacrifice their Ralph’s discount for the sake of, say, a few ugly chickens…

And, hey, they aren’t going (maybe) extinct either so it’s a huge win! Torture chickens and…YOU save money. YOU eat MORE. YOU don’t have to do anything at all.

What Are You Wearing?

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I’m not even going to explore the stupidity here. Dumb bitches on Facebook posting about the lion after posting about leather handbags and nail polish that’s animal tested is a joke.

What About The Dogs?

People shit on dogs. Dogs have Disney eyes. Come on, none of you have the neighbor or friend that crates their dog all day? Where are you in this? Lots of big talk about killing a Dentist. Some of you have said you’d personally kick his ass if you ran into him on the street.

Well, guess what, I have the BEST FUCKING NEWS EVER! I know tons of places you can go to find dogs that are being shit on by people. These are the easiest people in the world to find. So do your stretches bitches, because you have a lot of “ass kicking” to do! Finally, you can get up from Facebook and get out there and kick some fucking ass and make us all proud!

Hot Mexican Weather Girl Dating Gamer Douche (pics)

Yes Douchebags, I’m saying there’s a chance….

Gamer Faze Censor and sick hot weather girl, Yanet Garcia, on Instagram.com/iamyanetgarcia
Gamer Faze Censor and sick hot weather girl, Yanet Garcia, on Instagram.com/iamyanetgarcia

Yanet Garcia, that super crazy hot weather girl from Mexico that is now all the rage in the states, is dating a douchebag, Call of Duty gamer. The name of the guy who all evidence suggest gets to stick his genitals in her genitals is Doug Censor Martin. He’s also known as Faze Censor. And before you get excited that she loves the super douchiest gamers possible, or basically low lifes like you all, slow down. This Bro is rich as F’. He gets serious cash to review games.

Here’s her Instagram pics, and yes, they are everything you’d expect.

Here is a picture of Yanet failing at limbo.

Here is Yanet Garcia having sex with a park bench.

Here is a picture of a creepy guy with an iPhone taking a creepy picture of Yanet Garcia and probably saving it to a file named STALKTHEM/ on his laptop.

Here is Yanet Garcia staring at a tree.

Here is Yanet Garcia casually fiddling with her extensions pretending she has no idea her picture is being taken.

Here is Yanet Garcia using her iPhone 6Plus to take a picture of what her ass looks like after 1000,000,000,000 squats.

Here is Yanet Garcia crashing every dream you have ever had.

Meet The Hottest Street Sweeper Ever.

image credit: instagram
image credit: instagram

“Sweeper babe,” as she is now called, is blowing up the Internet right now (as she should be). She’s a Brazilian street cleaner who posted some Instagram and Facebook photos and well, got noticed. Apparently street cleaner girls aren’t always, well, girls (or hot). Who knew? She was gaining followers as a hot brazilian booty girl, but then she posted a picture of herself in a city worker outfit and people lost their freaking minds.

“People are surprised when they see a pretty girl working as a street cleaner,” she said in an interview with Brazil’s “Extra.” “They say that I could find a better job than sweeping and weeding. But why should street cleaners necessarily be ugly?”

You decide, folks….

What Would El Chapo Do If He Were In Charge?

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Ever wonder what our country would be like if El Chapo were in charge of shit? Wonder no more, Douche.com has you covered. I can tell you this already, a lot of bullshit would stop.

How El Chapo Would Handle The Amazon Prime Day fail

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El Chapo - “Jessica, please go immediately to Internet and then go to Amazon Prime. Using my Prime membership, please immediately purchase me a new Sony, 54 inch flat screen. It should be HD, 3D, Bullet proof. Make sure you get the Prime day deal. When it arrives please put it in the human organ meat locker for the boys to watch. Make sure we also get Verizon Fios, NOT COMCAST, for them. Comcast sucks lamb balls. Those guys have been doing a fantastic job guarding the kidneys and I want to reward them.”

Jessica - “President El Chapo, I just went to Amazon Prime. I logged in using your username, elchapowhitevaginaseeker, and I saw no TV’s matching these descriptions for any sort of a discounted price. However, I did find a VCR for 20 percent off and some toilet paper, Charmin I believe, that was once backstock at a Krogers but is now only $3 for 6 rolls – two ply.”

El Chapo - “Absurd! Today is Prime Day! Everyone gets a deal! El Chapo gets a deal! Are you sure that is the correct username for Prime, that sounds much like my username for Tinder.”

Jessica - “No, its correct. That’s what you told me to use when I set up Prime for you. I explained to you that you shouldn’t use the same username but you told me that since it works well on Tinder I should use it on Prime also, so I did.”

El Chapo - “I see. Ok. Then I would like you to go back to the Internet. I would like you to purchase me a brand new Sony XBOX. I would like it to come

Jessica - “President El Chapo, I just went back to Amazon Prime. There is no Sony XBOX available under the Prime Day deal, however, I did find a refurbished $25 first generation IPOD. The description reads that the IPOD’s wheel is in ‘decent condition. Should I purchase?’”

El Chapo - “I am ordering the following Twitter: @amazon #primedayfail #refurbishmyass #angryelchapo #noonewantsfuckingvcrs <insert image of shovel> start digging each of you.”

 

How El Chapo Would Handle The Uber Situation.

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El Chapo - “Hello staff. Today we lunch at Chipotle. Jennifer, please call them and tell them that this time my Brew Pub Pretzels and Beer Cheese Dip should NOT be soggy and that the Root Beer should be fresh. If this does not happen, please let them know that the cook and bar manager will be hung in the meat locker and I will not be getting a table at Club Applebees after 10pm. Club Applebees is my favorite, so much pootang to be had by the ole’ El Chapo! Jonathan, get us an Uber.”

Jennifer - “Ohhhh…..ummm…..yeah….President El Chapo. Forgive me, I guess we forgot to tell you. Fort Lauderdale no longer allows Uber to operate because the cabbies got mad that Uber was offering better service for a lower price.”

El Chapo - “I see. And who else knew about this Ubers situation?”

Jennifer - “Well me, Marcus and Tim. Oh and Felicia. Felicia knew.”

El Chapo - “Ok, to solve this, we start by killing all of you out back execution style. A high definition video will be sent to your children. Jennifer, change in plans, please call for a cab. Have the cab take us to Applebees for lunch. When we arrive at The Bee, we will cut the throat of the cabby and leave a dead rat’s head in his front pocket. We will do the same later for Club Bees.”

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How El Chapo Would Handle Dukes Of Hazzards

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El Chapo -“Tonight, my friends, we drink the most expensive Moscato. My cartel is already at Bevmo and they will be requesting the most expensive bottle of sweet happy fermented grapes and then killing the register people with steak knives and shooting out the camera system. We shall all drink copious amounts of this fun sauce while watching Dukes of Hazzards tonight at 8pm!”

Staffer - “Oh…yeah…ummmmm….sooooooo! I guess we forgot to mention that TV Land cancelled the show because a lot of people felt it was politically incorrect and catered to racist stereotypes with its use of the confederate flag on the General Lee. However, I should note, all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls is on Netflix now.”

El Chapo – “Your orders are to go to the Twitter. I want you to Twitter the following message to the TV Land account. –Dear TV Land and all TV Land workers your water cooler is #ratpoison today #dieslow #dukesofhazzardwasshiznit #cocaineoffdaisydukesass

How El Chapo Would Handle Iran

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With El Chapo in office, I really don’t think this option would even exist.

El Chapo - “Does anyone else have anything to add?”

Staffer - “Hi El Chapo, long time listener, first time contributor to the board meeting. So I was drinking with some friends the other day at Casa Vega and the conversation came up about what we should do about Iran and how they seem to taunt us with nuclear weapons and shit.

Well, it occurred to me that maybe we could work this out with them. And before you guys freak out…..YES, I know they have imprisoned and tortured some of our citizens and YES, I totally get that they often melt down like 16 year old bitches on MTV when their daddy gives them a Corrola and start threatening to nuke places like Israel, Istanbul, Cairo, London, New York City, Chicago, and hopefully Canada, and YES, I totally get that they occasionally stone women who maybe have sex with the milkmen when their husbands are workin in oil fields and beating up prostitutes… but, ……I think maybe if we were just to talk rationally to them, they’d totally like us back. My mom used to say you catch more flies with honey than you do with honey than vinegar!”

El Chapo - “That is a nice plan. One small change. I want to kill people. The first person to be killed is you. Next will be your mother for saying that stupid saying. After that it is anyone who thinks we should be friends with Iran. After that is whoever had any direct involvement or persuasion in making the movie Avatar. And after that, it is anyone who is in Iran and thinks Iran is a good place to be. Problem solved. Next on the agenda, I have purchased a new Ping Pong table and set it up in the break room. I will be taking challengers later.”

 

He would improve our freeways

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El Chapo escaped a prison on a motorcycle through a tunnel that connected via a prison shitter. This guy gets transportation. He’s Charlize Theron in Mad Max but maybe even having more bad assery as Charlize never drove through a tunnel underground from a mexican prison shitter.

Wanna get some illegal cocaine to a vendor in Indio, California but think that the line at the Tijuana border takes WAY too long? No problem, El Chapo just builds a tunnel and runs a truck full of the world’s finest sniffing salt right through it.

The states on the other hand are a mess. Los Angeles freeways are a damn joke. No one can even pretend that the freeways LA has are planned out and logical and strategic.

Staffer - “Hey Mr. Mayor, the 405 is really slow as shit these days, particularly when it gets around Culver City. What should we do?”

Mayor - “Ah yes, ok. So just use some of the tax payer money that was ALL set aside for it using backhanded bribed contract deals, shut it down during rush hour for the next 72 months, repaint some lines, pretty that shit right up. Direct 25% of the 405 traffic to Sepulveda blvd., in which the excess freeway traffic can utilize 1 total street lane that has 30 million stoplights. THEN…..put up super expensive signs from Santa Barbara to San Diego, which flash ‘405 CONSTRUCTION –blink—blink— PLEASE USE SEPULVEDA BLVD.’

After you have done all of that and you are sure that’s all done, then you can add 1 extra lane between Marina Del Rey and maybe where that weird mall is that no one ever uses.”

I don’t see that shit flying with El Chapo.

Staffer - “Hey El Chapo, your hair looks amazing this morning. I just wanted to let you know that some people are tweeting that the 405 is really slow around Culver City. What should we do?”

El Chapo - “Add an extra freeway. Make this happen. You have 22 days or I kill your grandparents to start.”

Staffer - “Whoa, maybe we should pump the breaks El Chapo, you realize there is like no room in Culver City, that’s where the Sony Studio lot resides.”

El Chapo - “Knock it down. Kill anyone inside. Build additional freeway.”

Staffer - “But El Chapo, I remind you, that is where they made some of your favorite movies, such as Paul Blart Mall Cop 1. And your second favorite movie, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. And you did the other day say that you wanted to see Pixels because you loved your Atari and you think the Game of Thrones midget is someone you could see being an exemplary cartel contributor, if only he were a real midget.”

El Chapo - “Ok, get shovels. Dig under the studios. Pave it. You have 17 days to complete. There are shovels in the back field, watch out for deep unfilled holes.”

 

 

10 Pictures Prove Charlotte McKinney Is Disgusting

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Charlotte McKinney is Instafamous. Many bros consider her vagina to be top level shit, sort of like when you are deciding on Italian food: Fazolis = Regular Shit while Olive Garden = Top Level Shit. You want to eat Olive Garden, not Fazolis.

But what if I told you that dating Charlotte McKinney wasn’t like dining in at Olive Garden at all? What if I told you that instead, it was potentially the same as shitting on an unprotected Fazolis shitter? Would you call me crazy?

WHAT. If I could prove it? Check out these 10 proof positive reasons….

1) Her pale clavicle

Imagine you are hanging out at a beach. And one of your bros is like “omg your girlfriend has such a nice tan I’d put my tongue on her she’s an awesome lampshade material” but then he is like “wait, wtf is wrong with her clavicle? Why is it so pale? Do you sex that?”

What would have started off as a good day suddenly turns into the day where your bros are like “my boy bangs this girl with a pale clavicle.”

Who would want to be the bro banging the vagina who has a nasty pale clavicle?

2) Pointy shoulders

Charlotte McKinney: “Hey, look over there, can you grab the lubricant so I can rub it all over your naked fat body?”

Charlotte McKinney: “No, the other way!”

Charlotte McKinney: “Wait, where are you going???”

YOU: “Fuck Charlotte, I’m sorry, I can never tell which way you are pointing because it always looks like your shoulders are pointing me in a totally different direction!”

Does that sound like something you want to deal with 3 times a day? I think not…

3) Expensive necklaces wouldn’t be worth it

There you are. You just put the necklace around your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney’s neck. You were at a Pandora’s jeweler no more than 3 hours earlier agonizing over which charm to have strung from the necklace. You finally settle on the Nutella Love Pendant, which slightly edges out the Disney Mini Mouse Vagina Pendant. But then you hang it from her neck and the pendant disappears as it falls between two enormous tits. They suffocate the Endangered Nutella Love Pendant like python swallowing a baby deer carcass.

All that thought. All that time spent charm shopping and you are left with nothing but molten zirconium.

4) She has ginormous bigfoot feet which ruin beaches

Think of it now. You are driving through Arkansas. You pull into a Chili’s bar and grill because you are hungry for a solid Triple Dipper experience (the lineup being SW egg rolls, big mouth bites and chicken crispers). When suddenly, out of nowhere, Arkansas state police approach you and ask you if your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney, is Bigfoot. How would you ever explain that she’s not? What if you never got to eat your triple dipper because you were talking to some officer about how big and ugly your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney’s, feet are?

5) She’s not durable

It’s difficult to fully grasp the tradgedy that would be your life here, but imagine for a second that every time you went anywhere, you had Charlotte McKinney bothering you with “I’m cold can you cuddle me” or “this hike is long maybe we should take a break in this cave for a few minutes.” Ugh.

6) She sucks

Imagine your life, constantly having to have the same conversation with her over and over…”Charlotte, you are sucking that wrong.”  and “Charlotte, that’s not how you suck that.” and “Charlotte, get your hair out of your damn face and properly suck this or that.” Your life would be hell.

7) She has poor balance

There you are, hanging out with your family. You just introduced them to your new girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney. Mom’s thinking about grandkids, when suddenly, you hear this incredibly loud ‘thud’ from the kitchen area. And then Charlotte says, “sorry, I fell to the floor trying to reach for the pepper.”

8) Look closely at her left hip, there’s a noticeable wrinkle.

Imagine every time you go to the pool, all your friends being like, “man, bitch has a wrinkle on her left hip.” Date Charlotte McKinney, and that my friend, could end up being your life. Every time she put on a swimsuit, there you’d be, trying to rub cover up makeup over that part of her hip so as not to spend your day at the pool embarrassed.

9) She wears denim

Canadian people wear denim as suits. Canadian people mostly suck. When was the last time you were hanging out with a bunch of Canadians who were wearing suits and thought, “now this is the time of my life.” Never.

10) She has one eye sometimes

Imagine for a second just hanging out at an Olive Garden with your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney, when suddenly one of your bros is like “look at those breadsticks over there” and then your girlfriend Charlotte is like “I can’t see over there” because she only has one actual eye. Embarrassing, right?

Or what if you go to Dave and Busters and you are just trying to enjoy some Down The Clown when suddenly a group of adolescent boys run up and say, “are you dating a pirate?” There you’d be, the laughing stock of the arcade, because you chose to date Charlotte McKinney.

Classy Florida Stripper Gets Butthole Tattoo.

image credit: youtube
image credit: youtube

A classy Florida stripper has done gone and done the most sophisticated thing possible by getting a tattoo on her asshole.

That’s right, “Mercedes,” which some are assuming isn’t her real given name, gave the extraordinary pleasure of putting a ink filled needle on her asshole to a tattoo artist. Like, this shit is real. Watching this video made me think of how much I’d love to take “Mercedes” to the Capital Grill for some surf and turf.

3 Reasons Why The Ariana Grande Donut Story Is Fucking Stupid

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Yesterday, Ariana Grande shamed America for being fat (probably). Mostly because, well, Americans are fat as hell. That’s not me making shit up, folks, that’s just stats and science and decent eyesight and being able to feel body parts even while black out drunk.

Of course, doing so in a donut shop is poor form. Licking them may even be poorer form. But let’s break this shit down.

The Bad Sweater Is Worse Than The Licked Donuts

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This douche’s sweater is every reason to hate LA. This is douchery, peacocking, at it’s damn finest. But because Ariana Grande licked some damn donuts, no one cares, and that’s bullshit. This guy’s sweater hurts my face. In contrast, pretty much every guy I know would allow Ariana Grande to spit in their mouths while chained up to hot water unit inside of a moldy basement. Do you idiots even know what’s in donuts? I am pretty sure Ariana’s saliva, at worst, neutralizes 1/3 of that gross shit. Nothing wrong with eating a donut, but stop crying because hot chick licked a donut.

Point? Shut the fuck up. Stop crying. 

She’s Doesn’t Hate America, She Probably Hates Fat People

You’ve all been suckered once again by headline baiting. You are all fish in a pond and blogs are luring you with bullshit on hooks. And your biting at it. Essentially, you are eating bullshit. She clearly hates fat people (maybe), not America. So if you are going to be mad at her, be it for the right reasons.

MLB Banning Her From All Star Game Is Silly

Ariana Grande hates fat people (maybe). MLB baseball sells food that makes people fatter than Garfield in a craft brewery. Ok, I can see a conflict of interest here…..BUT….I can think of no worse eating experiences for both adults and children than MLB games (well, Green Bay Packer games, but let’s stay on point here).

So why did Ariana Grande licking donuts get her banned from playing the MLB All Star game?

Let me ask you a question, would you prefer eating this donut:

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Or these hot dogs, which was served at a Kansas City Royals game last summer:

grossdonuts

Seriously folks, get a grip. And a life.